Coolest Girl in the World

So I guess I should just acknowledge at this point that I’m not going to write a real recap of Bay to Breakers, from way back in May. There’s been a lot of changes going on over here, and I don’t have a lot of time. But since I promised you a report, here you go: I dressed like a LOLCat, I walked a long way, and by the end, I was hurting, but I had fun. Photos are here. Yay!

So since May, la vida Lauren has been a bit hectic. Here’s the Cliffs Notes version of my life since then: James and I did some apartment hunting, and then we moved, and now we’re living in sin. It’s fun. I recommend it, if you haven’t tried it.*

And because moving isn’t enough upheaval, I decided that while I liked what I do for a living, I needed to go do it somewhere else. So I left my old company, and got a new job. Dear college friends: you remember when you said “Oh, she works at Hand**,” and I’d go into a lengthy explanation about how actually my company used to be part of Hand, but then they split, and my company wasn’t Hand anymore? Forget all of that. Your previous statements are now correct.

In other news, I finally fulfilled my New Year’s Resolution to travel to somewhere other than New Orleans, by going to Providence, Rhode Island to visit Becky. Highlight of the trip: we went to a Renaissance Faire. Because nothing says “Becky & Lauren: High School Dorks Edition” like RenFaire. The major differences between now and then: now we have enough money to rent costumes, and boyfriends to inflict this kind of torture on. Pics are here if you want to behold the dork-fest. Dork dork dork.

*Although if you want to keep your stress level down, maybe try doing it without two cats and a dog involved too. Imagine having rebellious step-children that express their stress and frustration about their new family situation by peeing everywhere.
**Company name has been changed to protect the innocent.

So, I swear, I’m going to write a recap of Bay to Breakers, and I’m going to post my photos as well, but I realized I haven’t posted any photos since, uh, 2008, so I’m trying to clear the backlog. In the mean time, go check out my flickr account to see what I’ve been up to for the last few months, including San Francisco’s relatively lame Chinese New Year Parade, cemetery angels, some of my favorite painted/neon sign landmarks, the genius of Blaine Kern’s studio at Mardi Gras World, and other sights from my last trip to New Orleans. For example, here I am at my own grave:

Yeah. You don’t get to do that every day, do ya?

Today is the one year anniversary of my tragic yet comical knee-dislocation accident. It’s been an interesting year, with a month in a brace and six months of physical therapy and six more months of trying to strike a balance between gaining strength in my leg and not re-injuring myself. So far, I think I’ve done a pretty good job, since I rehabbed enough to avoid surgery, and these days my “bad knee” feels better than my good knee. I’ve done a whole lot of exercise, and I’m pretty sure that I’ve done more squats and lunges in this last year than I ever did in the preceding 31 years combined. To celebrate how far I’ve come, on Sunday, I’ll be walking in Bay to Breakers with some friends dressed as LOLcats.
Next month, I’m going back to the scene of the crime dance class. Wish me luck.

Happy Easter! Or, Happy Zombie Jesus Day! as Rob texted to me earlier. Easter in New Orleans usually means a basket of candy, a crawfish boil with the family, and my grandmother’s chocolate-covered strawberries. This year, it wasn’t anything like that.

James and I went over to Regan & Jason’s for Undead Easter 4.0, where I had mac and cheese, and carrot cake, and a bit of candy, and we watched a movie called “Zombie Strippers!” which was surprisingly good. I mean, yes, it’s a B-movie, and full of boobage and bad special effects, but it had an unexpected political and philosophical bent to it, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Then, Regan and I went to go see Britney Spears, live in concert.

Oh, Britney. I really enjoyed your show. You and your dancers did a really good job, and with all the acrobats and martial arts guys and aerial performers, it was really entertaining, even though you thought you were in Sacramento, and your tour doesn’t even stop there this year. I’m a little worried about all the potential symbolism in your show, with you in the gilded cage and the references to living in a freakshow, but other than that, it was totally worth my money, and I was completely willing to pay for one of your overpriced t-shirts if they hadn’t already sold out of the one I wanted. It’s okay though, because I think you’ve inspired me to go back to dance class next month, because really, as awesome as this was, arenas are too cramped for dancing, and the Britney show I like best is the one where I crank up your album, push the coffee table out of the way and dance around in my living room. Maybe next time, I’ll just dance on top of the coffee table, because it seems like something you would do. Or maybe I won’t, because falling off the coffee table and breaking a limb is something I would do. We’ll see.

So, after that last post, Reader Andy asked, “How’s the West Coast Lauren?” And since I don’t have anything really specific to post about, I’m gonna just pretend that question is a meme, and answer it.

The West Coast is decent. Our rainy season seems to finally be over, so the blue skies have returned, and with it, the mild depression I’ve been nursing all winter seems to be lifting. It’s weird, because when I lived in Louisiana, I never really felt any sort of seasonal affective disorder that seems to afflict Brigette and my dad, but here in California, I have a noticeable response to weather. I think it’s because the weather is all clumped together – it’s rainy* for two months solid, and then it’s sunny for the next ten months. After ten months, you’re addicted to sunshine, and then it goes away for the rainy season, and you go into withdrawal, and just want to crawl into a hole and die. But that’s over now, and I’m actually starting to do things on the weekend again, instead of just staying home. This hopefully will result in more blog posts for you, dear readers.

I have a general rule that I don’t talk about work here, lest, in the parlance of our times, I get dooced. But I will say that I’ve spent a lot of time listening to Nine Inch Nails lately, which I haven’t really done since I was an angry, maladjusted college student. Does that give you a general idea of my headspace?

Other than work frustrations, life is good. James is good. Mocha is good. I desperately need to go clothes shopping, because the weather’s getting warmer, but I got rid of all my short sleeve shirts last fall, because they were too big. I just got glasses, because eight years after having LASIK, I’m apparently near-sighted again. I’ve got 15 pounds to lose before I get to my Weight Watchers goal, and I’ve decided these are the most stubborn 15 pounds ever. I’m trying to exercise at least four times a week, which I’ve managed to do successfully for the past three weeks. I’m currently enamored with workouts that involve either lifting weights, or pretending to punch and kick things. Pretending to grab someone’s head and smash their face on my upraised knee is wonderfully therapeutic.

Next month, I’m going to go see Britney Spears in concert, accompanied by a pregnant woman. Also next month, I’m hoping maybe I’ll either get to take a vacation, or go back to dance class. I finally finished doing my taxes, which means, as per the contract negotiated with myself, I get to go eat some real ice cream*** this weekend. I’m really looking forward to it, even though it is counter-productive towards the whole 15 pounds thing. I’ve been trying to read more, so last week, I read “Born Standing Up” by Steve Martin, and I really enjoyed it, because it was funny and random, and I have a secret crush on Steve Martin. I am open to book suggestions, so if you have a book you really dig, please tell me about it.

*And it’s not even an interesting rain. It’s a pissy little drizzle. I once had a discussion with a friend about a severe weather warning, and she mentioned that she was concerned about flooding because we were supposed to get three inches of rain. I asked if she meant three inches of rain in how much time? When she responded three inches over the next three days, I nearly died laughing, and had to explain that where I come from, it can rain three inches in a half an hour.
**If you also hated Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred, check out the Biggest Loser Workout Volume 1. Similar format, much better approach.
***No sorbet, and no airy whipped no-sugar added stuff. I’m talking full-fat, Ben & Jerry’s, with a plethora of toppings and a waffle cone.

Hey dear readers!

<crickets chirping>

Yeah, I’m kinda wondering if there are any of you left. I know I post, uh, shall we say, infrequently, but I was kind of surprised when my blog went down for about a week and nobody said anything. But hey, the site’s back up, and I’m actually posting something… even if it’s lame, and I’m only posting because I’m procrastinating on doing some exercise.

Speaking of, anybody want a copy of “Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred” DVD? I bought it a few weeks ago, because it’s the new hotness of fitness DVDs, but after trying it out, I’ve decided that I hate it, and that I don’t like Jillian Michaels. I haven’t watched “The Biggest Loser” to see if she’s like this on the show, but the vibe I get on the DVD is that she seems to think that exercise must be suffered through like a form of penance because you ate a cupcake, and if you’re enjoying it, well, then obviously it can’t be working. I found it amazing that I’m willing to cheerfully kick my own ass doing squats and lunges for 45 minutes with Erin O’Brien, but three minutes into Jillian’s DVD and I’m muttering and thinking of quitting, based solely on her attitude. That’ll teach me to buy a DVD without renting it first off Netflix. So, now that I’ve given that glowing review, first person who leaves a comment saying they want this DVD gets it.

Okay, procrastination over. In the words of Henry Rollins, “Your number is one.” Time to get up off my ass.

Hello dear college friends who read this blog,

I was really hoping when I saw you all at the Christmas party that we could arrange a discussion, or maybe some sort of arm-wrestling tournament to decide which charity I should donate to for your Christmas present. Unfortunately, nobody seemed particularly passionate about any one charity, so I was left to my own devices. So, after arm-wrestling with myself, I made your Christmas present donation to… Second Harvest of Greater New Orleans & Acadiana.

Why Second Harvest, you ask? Because although animals and aid to poorer countries and disease research are all still very worthy causes, I felt like this year, there are going to be a lot of regular people that need some help with very basic needs, and a food pantry helps a lot of people that don’t get covered otherwise. There are a lot of people these days who have jobs, they’re paying their mortgage, but there’s nothing left over, and their choices have become “My family becomes homeless” or “My family goes hungry.”

I think also that because of Weight Watchers, I spend a lot of time thinking about food. Not in an obsessive “I want a cookie” way, but I do a lot of meal planning. So the idea of asking myself, “What will be my next meal?” and the answer being “Nothing. We have no food, and no means to get any,” is terrifying. And the thought of rephrasing that question into “What will I feed my children?” multiplies that fear by about tenfold. So my empathy is pretty strong there.

So, it was great to see you all. Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! I hope you like your present.

Hello dear college friends who read this blog,

How’s it going? Are you getting ready for Christmas? I’ve been giving it some thought. I was thinking that I don’t want to exchange presents this year.

Yeah, it sounds kind of Scrooge-tastic at first, doesn’t it? Bear with me. I’m not that Bah-Humbuggy, I swear.

You might remember that last year, I missed our annual Christmas party, and instead of giving you individual presents, I made a donation to March of Dimes. I thought that worked out rather well,* and I’m considering doing something similar again this year.

Maybe it’s because I live out here in the Bay Area, where apartments are small. Maybe it’s because ever since the Great Closet Clean-Out of 2007, I’ve had a small Spartan zealot living in my head that wants to purge my apartment of everything except for a change of clothes, a spoon, a bowl, a blanket, and the cat.** The point is, I have enough stuff. I’m guessing at least a few of you feel similarly.

So I was thinking instead of presents this year, I would make another donation to charity.*** And if you were going to spend money**** on a present for me, please know that I have enough coffee mugs, but someone out there doesn’t have enough food for their family tonight.

So, on that sobering note, now I have some questions for you:

1. Are you okay with this? If you’re not, it’s okay to say “No! I want a present, dammit!” Please state your objection in the comments, and name the present you would rather have instead of the joy of helping your fellow man. Then I will toss a coin to see if you get the present you desire or if you get a fruitcake instead.
2. If you’re agreeable to the charitable donation idea, what charity would you like me to donate to? Second Harvest Food Bank? March of Dimes? Kiva? Post your suggestions. The charity with the most votes wins.
3. Are we even having a Christmas party this year? I haven’t heard anything yet… maybe because I didn’t get y’all any presents last year.

*Except for the part where now they call me every other day asking for more donations. Charities do good things when they’re not busy annoying the hell out of people.
**Maybe two bowls. Otherwise I’d have to share with the cat.
***Not Rob’s ex-wife.
****Homemade presents, chocolate and baked goods are still gleefully accepted.

Dear Fashion Industry,

I would like to file a complaint. Yes, I know, I’ve been complaining about you for years, with your prejudice against larger sized women, and your refusal to give plus size women more than four stores to shop at, and your insistence on filling those four stores with mostly crappy clothing out of some misguided belief that fat women have no taste, and blah blah blah. Yes, yes, all of that is still true, but this time, my complaint is different.

You see, fashion industry, I tried playing by your rules. I lost weight. I pretty much fit into “regular” sizes now. But here’s the deal: I need to buy clothes, and yet I can’t, because it’s winter, and all* you have for sale this season is short sleeve sweaters.

Sure, some of them are cute, but practically speaking, WTF?? Winter = cold = long sleeves. It’s not a hard concept. Or does this mean that in addition to all the other crippling crap women go through trying to follow your rules, now we’re supposed to be impervious to cold, too? Come on, fashion industry! This year, I’m more susceptible to cold than ever,** and you turn around and treat me like this?

And don’t tell me to wear a jacket over the short sleeve sweater, because you’ve made all the jackets with shorter 3/4-length sleeves too. And even that would be forgivable if elbow length gloves were making a comeback, but they’re not, and we both know it.

So come on, fashion industry, I just want to give you some of my money. I really don’t think I’m asking for much when I say help a sister out, and make me a sweater with some sleeves.

*To be fair, they also have a selection of turtlenecks, but I’m not allowed to wear those anymore, as per the ruling of the Great Closet Cleanout Committee of 2007.

**I gave up some of my insulating blubber for you, heartless bastards!

Today was my last session of physical therapy, and I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, after six long months, my leg is 98% back to normal! W00t! And on the other hand, I’ll miss having a valid excuse for skipping out on work to go exercise for two hours. Then again, I think my therapist viewed today as her last opportunity to try and break me or make me cry.* So maybe I won’t miss it that much.

So now, I’m supposed to keep trying to build strength in my lazy quadriceps, which means lots more “Erin O’Brien: Strong Body, Ageless Body”, because so far, she’s the only person I’ve found that can motivate me to do squats and lunges with any regularity, and even then it’s only like twice a week. I need a David Beckham workout DVD. That man has totally awesome quads, and I’m pretty sure it would be really easy to convince myself to watch his workout DVD after work almost every day.

Because he’s so, uh, inspirational. And motivating. Yeah. That’s the ticket.

They could use the Spice Girls as the people working out in the background. And maybe Ginger Spice could take lead on the ab work section. Heck, you could make a whole series, where each Spice Girl + David Beckham gets to lead a different DVD. Becks for the strength training workout, Ginger Spice does abs, Scary does a cardio-dance section… I would totally buy that.

*I’m proud to say that she did not succeed. Although she came darn close.